There I was, on the mud-spattered ground of the devil, facing death itself. The wounds that had been caused ached and the blood loss weakened me; a sign, I was defeated. All these years of fighting evil and trying to make peace with other tribes, were oblivion, vanished. I tried to fight, to stay alive, but I couldn't. I knew this was a dead end, for me, and for the poor, innocent, witches and wizards I brought alongside. Guilt overwhelmed me, they are all in the devils belly, as the expression says, and soon, I'd be the cause of their deaths.
“Stay with me Amelia!” a familiar voice shouted over my head. It was the man I loved so much and was afraid to lose over the years, but the wheel twisted, and he is now losing me. I faintly turned my head to look at him. He stood behind the bars; his long black hair smoothly over his shoulders and his ripped garments indicated that he was injured, but not as greatly as me.
“Julian,'; I said, not louder than a whisper, ';I love you.”
“Stay with me Amelia!'; he shouted again as my eyes started to close, ';I love you too much to watch you die and I assure you...I promise I'll get you out. We'll get married as planned; remember? We'll have a family! Please Amelia, struggle; fight for me!”
I closed my eyes shut, trying to commit to memory the time I chose to be converted into a witch and leave what was already built, behind me.
***
Dreams are what we call reminiscences saved in our brain, flattering a movie that is processed, only, when asleep. What happens, though, if you wake up one morning and become conscious that last night wasn’t a trance, but authentic?
“I’m sorry but if a burglar came into my house, I would have known!” my mother exclaimed to the police officers while tiding up the chaos. Chairs were thrown across the room, frames were nearly wrecked and fire stains were on the walls that made it hard for the police to lay down their arms.
“We are trying to do our job madam,” the cute officer said, “but we can’t do it without your help.”
“I already told you. I woke up and the whole damn place was a wreck. I don’t know who did it and I don’t care since nothing has been stolen.”
“What about the damage they caused?” he asked.
“It’s fixable,” she replied and picked up the broken glass near the staircase. “Amelia, are you going to help me or not?”
“Yes mother,” I said, taking the broom. I told my mom what happened; that everything occurred during the dream I had seen, but she didn’t believe me. Who would? It’s nonsense.I need some serious criticism on my flashback piece of work so far? for 10 points?
Overall, this was really good. You are developing the characters quite well, really bringing your reader into her mind-into her guilt. You have a lot of potential as a writer, as does your work, but you could use some rephrasing. The truth is, you will re-phrase and re-write this a million times before it is perfect to you.
Here are a few examples:
There I was, on the mud-spattered ground of the devil-facing death itself.
** Sometimes using too many commas will alter the flow, making it sound choppy.
The amount of blood seeping through my aching wounds was fatal. I knew I was defeated.
Instead of:
The wounds that had been caused ached and the blood loss weakened me; a sign, I was defeated.***Rephrasing always, always makes the story better. Break it up.
All these years of fighting evil and trying to make peace with other tribes, were oblivion, vanished.
**Keep it simple.
The years spent fighting evil-trying to make peace with the other tribes-no longer mattered.
I fought til the death, but it wasn't enough.. I had reached a dead end, bringing every innocent witch and wizard down with me. I was at fault, for now they found rest in the ';devil's belly.';
______________________________________…
Some ideas for the goodbye:
A better description of Julian would give the reader more imagery. Tell us about his (color) eyes staring worryingly into hers. He;s injured, so let them show! Describe the blood clinging to his torn garments, his once smooth face was now home to a horrid gash across his left cheek. His long black hair pulled back behind his ears fell loosely against his tattered shoulder.Is he fair skinned, tanned? Does his masculine hands brush her cheek gently as his arms form a firm grip around her torso. Holding onto all that mattered to him, as she slipped slowly into everlasting darkness. When he's begging for her to live, does he cry? Tears of sorrow escape his eyes, as he hold her in a tight embrace.
The dream statment is very creative, It sets the mood for the entire scene. It's eerie almost. It can use a bit re-wording though.
At first I thought she was throing chairs at the police officer lol. You might want to make the scene more clear. Describing everything from the torn drapes, upturned wooden chairs, shattered glass scattered around the room. The walls were scorched from hungry flames.
I think it should be handsome officer, rather than cute. It's a stronger adj.
When they speak also add their actions. Ex: He asked glancing at what used to be her shelf of china.
Rephrase the ending make it stronger.
“Yes mother,” I said, taking the broom.
I had told my mom what had happened-including the dream- but she didn’t believe me. Who would? It was nonsense. (stay in the same tense)
The mother seems like the kind of person that doesn't like change, doesn't like charity. I get the vibe that she's a very independent woman, who rather the police keep their nose out of her business, she likes to be in control. That's very impressive that I've gotten so much from very little dialogue, even if I got it wrong..
You have a great imagination, I can see that. I can also see you're a natural writer. Just keep working on this, like I said, it has a lot of potential. Keep it up!I need some serious criticism on my flashback piece of work so far? for 10 points?
This needs more cowbell.. It is just.. Ringing.. to me.. Add it.. For... George...
thats rlly good except maybe u could have it be chapter 3 or 4 so we know a little more about her and the wreck. great story:)
HMMM, i luved da first bit! But i didn't quite get it at the end, It kinda confused me. But i like your adjectives, Very good! 8-9 out of 10
(do i get my 10 points now? lol :)
I'll give you two reviews, seeing that you've divided the chapter into two major paragraphs.
In the first bit you describe Amelia's pain; the real one and the ache she feels inside for letting down the others. I liked it. I think the guilt shouldn't have taken the backseat to all the other emotions, because guilt's the strongest sensation she's probably feeling at the moment.
Needs a better, external description of Julian. I need to know what he looks like (other men have long black hair also), even if its a brief two lines, and what state is he in at the moment - is he bleeding from the ears, or is his right eye so swollen it looks comical? Okay, his clothes are torn. Does he touch Amelia? Does he attempt to carry her on his back, in his arms? Or is he just standing there and sweet talking?
That being said....moving on to paragraph 2.
I like the intro part about the dreams. I can imagine a smooth female voice being the narrator.
The chaos needs a tad more description. I'd personally add the crunching sound of glass under the policemen boots, and add some emotions of annoyance or weariness to the 'cute officer'
And Amelia...what does she look like? And try to make her mother a tad more specific. Generally, she sounds needy and a hint of perfectionist or obtrusiveness. She seems like she likes to get on Amelia's case a lot. I like that. Mothers are generally like that, especially if they're older and their kids still live with them.
I hope it was long enough. I'd love to know the title, even if it's a working title. First chapter...so far so good :)
Good luck writing!
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