I'm an aspiring teenage writer who is hoping to publish this book to fund college. Check out this link first for the plot line:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
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Here is the beginning now you understand the basics. :)
On February 17, 1920, Adrianna Chapman was kidnapped.
Her parents were shocked when they found her bed empty. Nothing was left, except for her blanket and a ransom note which simply read, “Adrianna will not be returning.” That was it. No requests for money. No location. Nothing.
Mr. and Mrs. Chapman started on a frantic search, which yielded no results. For several years they lived with a hope that Adrianna would soon be recovered. But she never was. Her bedroom was eventually turned into a study, and her parents eventually accepted the fact that she was gone. Nothing more was done.
The Chapmans were so devastated by the loss of their daughter that they sold their house to the city, which constructed an orphanage in its place. And this is where Olivia O’Malley arrived twenty years later, with no money, no prospects, and no family.
Olivia proved to be trouble for the matron of the orphanage on her first afternoon there. During lunch, Olivia accidently tipped over the pot of stew that was that day’s special, drenching the cook in meat and carrots and causing all fifty seven children to go hungry. From then on, no one would forgive her for the incident, except for Andrew Jenkins.
“I don’t even like carrots anyway,” he had told her. “And besides, the cook is always mean. She deserves to smell like beef.”
Olivia had laughed at this.
But the matron had not laughed. She had scolded Olivia in front of all of the children and then sent her to her room with no food for the rest of the evening.
Andrew had visited her that night with a bowl of soup he had stolen from the kitchen. He kept her company as she ate, and that is where she heard the story of Adrianna’s kidnapping for the first time.
“Did you know that a girl was kidnapped from this house a long time ago?” Andrew had asked her as she ate her soup.
She shook her head, to hungry to talk.
Andrew had nodded impressively.
“She’s been gone for twenty years. And she’s not coming back.”
“How do you know?” Olivia had asked.
“It said so,” replied Andrew. “On the note.”
Olivia had inquired about the note, and Andrew had excused himself for a minute and returned with a notebook in his hand.
“This is my research,” he had announced proudly.
“Research?”
“Yes,” Andrew had told her. “I have researched this girl’s disappearance. I want to find her.”
He opened the notebook and showed Olivia the inside. The first page was covered in newspaper clippings. A girl with laughing eyes and curly blonde hair giggled up at her from the front headline that read “Adrianna Chapman – where is she?”
“Adrianna Chapman, 7, was kidnapped from her home in London, England last night,” Olivia had read. “Scotland Yard has been on the case since dawn, but no sign of the girl has been found.”
She looked up at Andrew a smirk on her face. “You’re crazy,” she had told him. “If the Scotland Yard hasn’t found her in the past twenty years, I doubt you’ll find her.”
Andrew had disagreed. “I’m going to find her,” he had said. “And you’re going to help me.”
Perhaps it was Andrew’s determination that sparked their friendship. However doubtful Olivia might have been, Andrew stuck to his story, but he was still friends with her.
***
Olivia was on mail – duty the day the letter came. She was responsible for delivering the mail to the staff of the orphanage, a job she took seriously. It allowed her to get out of her classes for a few minutes and to learn secrets about the recipients of letters.
The cook had a secret admirer who thought she was “the most beautiful cook a stove ever laid eyes on,” or so the last correspondence had read.
The matron was receiving payments from somebody in America for some unknown reason. Olivia hadn’t delved much into that issue.
But apart from the normal post, one other letter had arrived. It was addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Chapman” with no return address.
“Mr. and Mrs. Chapman,” Olivia read aloud. “Chapman…”
She pocketed the letter, intent on showing it to Andrew during supper.
Is my story going too fast? What can I do to improve? Do I sound like most young teenage writers, or do I have something more. Constructive critism appreciated!Does the beginning of my story sound okay?
Add more detail and description to the very beginning and to how the charcters look and feel that way people will start to care about them more this will also slow your story down You do sound like a young teenage writer but use that to ur advantage make the story like a diary of some sort of one of the characters and you might be able to make it longer that way and make it seen like its suppose to sound like a teenage writer.Does the beginning of my story sound okay?
It is definitely a very good idea, and I would love to read more!
But I do agree that you may be going a little too fast, maybe try explaining the past more, like the kidnapping and how the girl ended up in the orphanage.
wow that is freaking good!!!! some people say that my story reports (or and almost book) are good but you.....wow! good job! or should i say freaking awsome job
Wow!!!!! I am also a teenage writer, and usually the things I read that others post are horribly written, but not this!!!! Good job, and yes, I would say it's going a little fast. Perhaps go through all the boring parts of her day before she gets the letter? Maybe she should not completely remember who the Chapman's are... but she should still pocket it.
Maybe she meets up with him for dinner, and he drops his book. The picture of the missing girl falls out, and she suddenly remembers?
Haha, sorry, I like helping people with actual writing. Maybe you could email me and we can edit each other's work?
Here are the two stories that I have posted so far on wattpad:
http://www.wattpad.com/266261-silent-nig…
http://www.wattpad.com/265528-granny-pan…
They're just little short stories that I am writing while trying to think of a good idea for a novel.
it's really good, but maybe you should work this out a bit more: they were sad, they turned it into a study and excepted that she was gone, but they became devastated once again, and sold the house to the city? It doesn't make much sense. Keep on editing! It's like a huge block of marble, you can make something beautiful out of this if you just keep chiseling!
Well I'm an aspiring teen writer and i can't give you the criticism that a real writer would but i can tell you based on what i've read so far your a wonderful writer. The beginning is very dramatic and attention grabbing and so far the story is very interesting. I think it could go a little slower but it isn't really fast. You don't sound like most teen writers in fact if you hadn't put that in the question i wouldn't have guessed you were one... you sound like an experienced writer!
Hope this helps!
Keep writing its going great so far =)
Is my story going too fast? What can I do to improve? Do I sound like most young teenage writers, or do I have something more. Constructive critism appreciated!
Yes
Well first thats not how you spell criticism. Grammar is good, spelling needs work.
What? Do you expect: Oh yes so much more.? You're in the midst of the middle.
All I can say is: Pretty simple 8/10
Good.
Between paragraphs use transitions.
Alright?
Yes, I do think your story is moving very fast. It's a wonderful idea. Great plot line, I really like it. If you did more details, more thoughts and descriptions, I think this could make for an awesome story.
(I was a bit confused where you said the Chapman family accepted their daughter's disappearance, but yet they still moved away because they were devastated.)
Stick with this idea, and see where it ends up. Good luck to you! PS: it would be an interesting element if Andrew and Olivia had feelings for eachother! Everyone falls for a bit of romance, even if they're just kids. ;)
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