Can someone please edit this for me?

for english I have to write a creative writing piece about a personal legend.


Can someone read mine over and edit it please :) and tell me if it's good.


p.s. sorry for it being long!





The Awakening


';Mommy, who was your first love?'; my 5 year old daughter Alitz asked me as I combed her long brown hair. Her blue eyes pierced the pits of my stomach as I re-called my past of love and loss. My story of longing and fate. It's hard to believe that someone who is in the position I am in now could have had such a tragic story. Me, Selina, who was just crowned Mrs. Canada Universe 2027. I, Mrs. Cascone the woman who is a famous psychologist, yet manages to fit in time to fulfill her passion of the arts. No one could imagine the pain I went through those years as a teenager, but I guess I would have to eventually explain to my daughter a bit of my former life.


***


After my grandfather passed away and my father left I was forced to live in a smaller home. I was 14 when I moved into that house. It was an average sized semi near a church and a large forest that carried a strong force of attraction to it. The red bricks let off a vibrant glow as I stepped out of the car on that early summer day to go and see my new residence. It was small and cozy, and couldn't be more perfect. My room was painted green and my floors were pale hardwood. I unpacked all of my clothing and plugged in my most prized possession, my laptop.


As I opened it up my messenger service went off alerting that someone was speaking to me. I clicked it opened and read a greeting from my first love. Nicholas was a nice guy, not very attractive but always good to me. What are looks if you can't even talk to a person anyways? We had a perfect relationship, except for one thing. He lived in Markham, I lived in Woodbridge, a thirty minute drive to see each other. Regardless, I loved him with everything I had in me, and I was almost certain he felt the same. He was my destiny of life and I was his hope to be a better person, together we matched like two pieces of a complicated puzzle certain to be.


The summer went by quicker than I expected it to. Everything flashed by in a rush, but at least I got to see Nick a few times before it ended. With the end of summer, school began and I was starting the ninth grade. High school was bound to be a place of new learnings and fresh faces, a place to break out and become who I am meant to be in life. Everyone was nice and no one gave me any problems at that school. I went on for a few months before actually becoming depressed.


It was December 17, 2009 that Nicholas broke up with me, the most confusing day of my life. It felt like my world had stopped but everything else kept on going. Exams were coming up and people were counting on me to keep my grades up. More importantly, I was counting on myself to lead a bright future. But my heart felt like a thousand pounds had been dropped into it, leaving behind a deep black hole.


It took me one week to recover. Thats when I went on a walk and saw the forest that had been calling me since the very day I moved. I almost sprinted across the streets to get to it. It just looked so big and mysterious. It was then that I decided I wanted to walk from one end to the other. I took my first few steps inside of the leafy walls where no one could see what happened to me. There was an obvious trail that lead right through.


More than five times through, I had to stop turn around and chicken out then internally yell at myself and walk further. It was those actions of perseverance that made me stronger and caused an epiphany for me; If God wanted me to die, that would be his decision and I could do nothing about it. It made me realize that I should not be holding on to the people I want, just let the universe hand over the people I need. If it was not meant to be with Nicholas then that was that. I'm sure there was someone else hand crafted especially for me. Learning these lessons made me feel like I had just opened my eyes for the first time ever. So eventually I made it through and was so proud of myself. If I can be courageous enough to do that, I can do anything.


***


I lived my teenage years out with those lessons in mind. It made me into the person I am today. Honestly I couldn't be more happy with my life.


';Mommy?!'; Alitz said irritated now.


I simply smiled at her, looked into the next room, pointed at her father and said


';He's sitting right over there.';Can someone please edit this for me?
In the first sentence, capitalise ';my'; and write ';5'; out as ';five';. Generally speaking, numbers less than ten are written out in full. Join the sentence ';My story of longing and fate'; to the previous sentence with an em dash.





If you want me to keep going, contact me by email and I'll send you back a Word document with tracked changes.Can someone please edit this for me?
I'm not going to edit it because, after all, it is YOUR homework. If it needs any editing, you must do it yourself. Would you accept a critique instead?





Because I will say that I liked the feeling that it gave me. If the assignment was to write an essay that ';moves'; someone, then yours will do quite nicely. If you are supposed to be developing a character then you have chosen a wonderful point of view for doing so but you need to add more details to show the changes as the character grows.





Use your spell checker to catch blatant errors in spelling and grammar but remember that if a word actuary (of course I mean actually) exists then spell checker will let it pass. The best editor is a human mind giving thoughtful consideration to each line.





P.S. Charles Dickens was known for both his character development and his social commentary but one of the best examples of character development that I have ever seen is Travis Bickell in ';Taxi Driver';.