Chapter 1
GOODBYE’S
It was a Saturday afternoon when my mother drove me to the airport. It was around 68 degrees outside, but in my opinion it couldn’t get any colder. I love the weather in Southern California, but I have to leave. I am moving in with my aunt in New York City for a couple years. I don’t want to leave my mother, but my aunt needs me to stay with her and help with her business. My mom didn’t want me to go, and I didn’t want to go either.
“Lyra,” my mother pleaded “you don’t have to go” , you can stay here and we can make an excuse why to you cant go.”
“Mom I have to go and help her, and I think I might actually want to go.” I lied. I wasn’t really a very good liar, but these past couple of weeks, I’ve been getting better at it. I’m actually surprised that my mother would fall for the lie in the first place, I have been telling her I want to go for around 2 weeks now, so I suppose it‘s getting easier to believe each time I say it. I don’t like lying to my mother, but in this case it’s necessary.
She has been wanting to visit New Jersey for a couple of months because her boyfriend lives there. So this is that perfect opportunity. Her and my dad got a divorce when I was 6 years old. I don’t see my dad much, and I miss him. But I usually spend the summer with him in Florida, every year. However last year he got remarried to a woman who hates me. I don’t know why, but it’s fine cause I’m not very fond of her either. I don’t want to have to go and stay with her for like 3 months, so I’m using my aunt as an excuse not to go.
“Look mom, I will call you as soon as I land, so you know I’m alright.” I said. “I’ll miss you, I love you mom.”
I looked into her childish eyes, and I began to see how much this separation would hurt her. I could see the tears forming in her eyes, and began to feel them start to sting mine, as well. I fought back the urge to hug her and tell her I wanted to stay. I started to walk away from her, and then I made the mistake of turning back to catch one more glimpse of her, to carry with me through this long alienation.
“Oh, mom I’m so sorry.” I choked. “I love you, and I’ll be back before you really notice I’m gone.”
“I love you Lyra.” she sobbed into my hair as she pulled me in for a goodbye hug. I gently pulled away after a moment, and kissed her on the cheek.
“Bye, mom” I choked before turning and boarding my plane.
After I landed in the airport I began to feel the panic set in as I looked around, but did not see, my aunt. I looked in the waiting area. And the bathrooms, but she was nowhere to be found. I started to form a plan inside my head of what to do if I couldn’t find her, should I try to find where she lives? Or should I just go home? When two words broke my reverie.
“Hello, Lyra.” said a soft, reassuring voice. I spun around to see a beautiful, dark haired boy standing behind me. He looked like he was around my age, maybe 15 or 16 years old.
“Umm.” I was at a total loss for words. “W-who are you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. My name is Dean Cain.” he apologized in a polite tone. “You’re aunt sent me here to pick you up.”
“Oh.” For a moment all I could do was stare at him like an idiot. After a few seconds a wide, lopsided grin spread across his face. It took my breath away. He put a hand on my shoulder and started to guide me through the crowded airport. I didn’t know why, but as soon as his hand touched me my heart skipped a beat, and then went into overdrive.
“I’m sorry, but how did you know I was Lyra?” I regretted saying the words as soon as they were out, but it was already too late to take them back.
“You’re aunt Sharon showed me a picture of you. And then told me to pick you up here.”
“How do you know my aunt Sharon?” Again I regretted saying it as soon as it was out. He laughed a soft laugh and then looked down at me.
“I work for her, in her store.” He answered. “Not the best job, but it still helps out.”
“Oh. Okay.” I couldn’t look away from his face. He looked like someone somebody would picture an angel to look like. I was completely overreacting, I mean I didn’t even know him. But I just stared at his face until he looked down at me, and I looked away. Embarrassed, I watched my feet the rest of the way to his car. I didn’t know much about cars, but I did know this car was definitely old. It was an odd faded red color with rust on the sides. It looked like it was in need for a serious paintjob.
He took his hand off my shoulder, and walked me around to the passenger side of the car. He opened my door for me and then shut it after I got in. No boy had ever opened a door for me before, accept for that occasional time my dad would try to be a gentleman.
He got in on the driver’s side, and turned on the car. It was very loud and kind of sounded like it wCan you tell me what you honestly think?? 1st chapter of my book!! %26lt;3?
Wow. Deja vu. Is this Twilight?
In my opinion (which you don't have to take, if you don't want to), it needs a lot of work. The beginning is riddled with lots of things that don't need to be in there, like the exact degree and how your character feels about the weather in California. It is needless information and interrupts the flow of the story. This happens throughout your first chapter. Be sure to take things out that DON'T HELP THE STORY ALONG.
Also, the dialogue is terribly melodramatic. Try and make it believable. Don't force the writing. Let it come naturally. Imagine yourself having a conversation with somebody, if that helps.Can you tell me what you honestly think?? 1st chapter of my book!! %26lt;3?
it was good i cant wait to hear the rest
I liked it and Im wanting to read more!!:) lol......Someone just last night just told me last night about this website called, http://www.writerscafe.org/writers/bright-eyes/ send me a friend request at ThisWriter and we can look at each others books and we can see MUCH more detail. Thx!!:) Oh and you know whats weird... When ppl read my work and I comment them I say things like ';Thx'; and the reader is like, Wow, I thought writers always wrote perfectly lol.
';It Needs Alot...... more excitement.. it was pretty good.. but dragging on/out. I was actually bored. It just needs some excitement..adjectives.. something that makes you can't wait to turn the page. It reminded me of the history books in grade school I use to have to read. I wanted to be totally.....honest. Since I am an avid reader... and a possible author.
It seemed like you jump around alittle on present, past, etc. The story was interesting enough. It seems like you could maybe ';reflect'; while you are on the plane about why you were leaving if the main story is about the boy you met, and the boyfriend. I get the feeling that is where the meat of the story is going to be and just when it was getting good the chapter ended :)
Good luck to you!!
Its good! but needs work, now don't panic or give up hope, remember this is your first time, needs work, and as my literature teacher use to say, ';Show don't Tell'; (by the way, it sounds like Twilight)
I liked it but it was not original at all.
You have to chnage the poart about the mother and the lying how she hates it and she's been saying it so often. Read twilight and you will see it is almost an exact replication of it. I liked the part at the end about Cain and her, I like her name...
Love to hear more..
Hope this helps
xoxo
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