Writing something.... opinions wanted?

it's a fictional story about a high school girl's psychological problems, and this is how it starts





A girl who looked to be around sixteen years of age sprawled herself on two large black chairs in the back of the room. She was relatively tall and slender, which gave her the appearance that she had complete control of her body, yet still did not feel completely comfortable in it. As she turned over, a tattered copy of The Catcher in the Rye slipped out of her jean shorts pocket, and onto the floor. Furiously typing away at some lengthy word document, occasionally her wild brown hair would drip in her line of vision; with one irritated swipe she would flip it back over her shoulder to where it belonged.


After much plunking away at the word document, she signed onto Facebook, the procrastinator’s heaven. She promised herself she wouldn’t get too engulfed, for she still needed to go for her daily run, and the daylight hours were slipping away. Her brow became increasingly furrowed as she saw the pictures that girls like Erica Medlow and Jenna Walberg had posted. It wasn’t so much the pictures of the parties that set her off, it was the pictures of people cutting loose. It was the loss of control that looked so appealing yet so out of reach. In a town like Willowbury, it wasn’t too difficult to lose control. That is, for girls like Jenna Walberg and Erica Medlow. You heard a different story about who got their stomach pumped quite frequently. Like any other high school, there was an odd system of castes- the people who exploited themselves to impress others were those that were the most well-liked. Those were the people invited to parties, the kind that you heard about in the police blotter the next day. Losing control was just a beer can away. It was a risk, and one she never took for fear of the consequences. Her friends wouldn’t let her, and although she’d never admit it, she wanted to. She had the type of friends that would ostracize her if she went to any party with those people, let alone allowed a drop of alcohol to enter her system.


The lanky sixteen year-old projected herself as a three-season athlete who did pretty well in school. Those who knew her well knew that she was sharp, creative, bitter, and overwhelmed, if not slightly insane. Never once had she projected the innermost workings of her mind to anyone; she kept those who were smart enough to realize she hid herself at bay, those who weren’t under the glass illusion that all she thought about was running and homework. Ella often made odd eye contact with people unconsciously while she was staring off into space. It gave off the impression that she was tired, but in actuality, she was far away probably over-analyzing something.


No one suspected as much, but boys occupied her thoughts quite often. Perhaps it was because of her ability to think so quickly and unravel the yarn of mystery, the male psyche was frequently on her mind. They were the one thing she did not understand, next to the String Theory. Perhaps this fascination stemmed from her need to be wanted, or perhaps from her need to control of all aspects of life.


It was ironic that the thing she wanted most was the thing she wanted the most to lose. She wanted a chance to let loose just enough to see how it felt to experience the loss of control without sacrificing her mental power. However, all actions have consequences, and even losing control at all causes us to lose control of the consequences.


It was the mundane, familiar click of an IM that caused Ella to lose control on that very day. Who knew that a simple “hey” could cause Ella to smile and cut the cord of integrity? Josh was like a drug to her, she thought about him a lot as her mind hopped around. He was an athlete, a basketball player (like her) and a football player; thin but with broad shoulders and a tall stature. Most of all, he was notorious for being dangerous.


In the weeks, even months to come, it was that familiar, knowing click that sent shots of epinephrine coursing through her veins. His messages could bring any emotion out in her: fear, confidence, insecurity, giddiness, but most prominently hunger.


Yet when she received that first IM, she sort of knew what was coming. She had heard about him through the broadcasted thoughts of other people, and she had witnessed him in action. Ella knew how he operated, yet there was something deep in the confines of her pituitary gland that egged her on, convinced her to give him a chance. The first time Ella lost control was to her hormones.Writing something.... opinions wanted?
Hey, I'm just throwing this out there: this is much better than most of the crap on Y!A. I know that isn't a particularly PC thing to say, but I want you to know that.





I have some really really nitpicky stuff to say about this... and I'm actually going to go through it all, because I'm procrastinating and I don't use Facebook ;)





1. The statement, ';...which gave her the appearance that she had complete control of her body, yet still did not feel completely comfortable in it';. Are you saying that she looks as though she has control but actually does not, or that she does not totally look like she has control?





2. ';As she turned over, a tattered copy of The Catcher in the Rye slipped out of her jean shorts pocket, and onto the floor. Furiously typing away at some lengthy word document...'; Why is she turning over if she is sitting in a chair? This makes her physical situation weird-sounding :( and although I like the indication that she is reading Catcher in the Rye, that book wouldn't fit in a pocket. Why don't you have it fall out of her bag or off her desk?





3. ';...her ability to think so quickly and unravel the yarn of mystery, the male psyche was frequently on her mind. They were the one thing she did not understand...'; Saying that she's able to unravel ';the yarn'; of mystery implies ALL mysteries... which is contradicted by the second sentence. I understand, with this and the surrounding sentences, that you're saying her inability to understand the male psyche makes her uncomfortable with the idea of being unable to intellectually control this aspect of her life, but I think some creative re-structuring of those sentences could make this idea clearer.





4. ';...without sacrificing her mental power';. I personally don't really like the term ';mental power'; here, it sounds awkward for some reason... how about without sacrificing her intellectual control?





5. I just think that ';His messages could bring any emotion out in her'; should be ';his messages could bring out any emotion in her';. Small beans.





Generally speaking, your character seems like she is interesting, like she has depth, and I find her easy to relate to, which is very important. Most of my criticisms, as you've probably noticed, are extremely nitpicky and not particularly substantial. I really like your use of the word ';hunger'; in the second last paragraph, I thought that was particularly effective. I like the themes, and generally I think your writing is pretty good. I'm not going to say it's perfect, but you definitely have potential :)Writing something.... opinions wanted?
Hm...the first paragraph didn't make sense. I think it was the words you used, and how you used them.





';sprawled herself'; I don't know, I just don't like that, it makes it seem like she's laying down on a couch or something. Which I found out a little later she wasn't. But that was around paragraph 2. Wait a second, I don't understand what she's doing. First she sounds like she laying down, and the book falls out and suddenly she's typing furiously on her keyboard. A little jumpy to me. I'm sorry but I didn't finish it, I know it's something about a girl who wants to ';let loose'; with others and she likes this guy names Josh.





Just, make sure not to jump around, skip, and also keep in mind how you use your words.