What do you think of this excerpt from my novel? Too racy for young adults?

Let me give you a little back story first. This scene is between eighteen-year-old Cassandra and twenty-one-year-old Ian. Both of these young adults have had difficult lives. Three years after killing her ex-boyfriend in self-defense, Cassandra has returned to her hometown for the first time to help her father save his failing business. Plagued with guilt from the hurt he caused in his past, Ian is running from his father to avoid becoming a part of his criminal organization. Though they hated each other in the beginning, Cassandra and Ian eventually found each other...in the most intimate of ways.





Now, before you read this, I want you to know a few things:


1.) I am nineteen years old and a first time writer. Other than a few short stories/ essays that I was assigned to do in school, I have never done any kind of creative writing.


2.) This is a very VERY rough draft of a small portion of one chapter. I came up with it at my laptop this afternoon, and I did not do any kind of editing on it whatsoever.


3.) All of that being said, I want you to be as honest as possible. If it is good, can use some work, or just totally sucked, feel free to tell me so. I am very thick-skinned--my feelings will NOT be hurt.





Here goes:





He stood before me, eons more beautiful than the first time I saw him. His dark hair glistened like the wing of a crow, his eyes burning with a passion so intense it shook me to the core of my being. We moved very slowly toward one another, our bodies intertwining on my rumpled smiley print sheets. A swirl of hands and lips, broken buttons, shattered clasps. His warm mouth met mine and I stroked the concavity of his middle, feeling my hands creeping slowly southward. Suddenly it was 1911. Grieving the loss of his wife, Swedish immigrant Gideon Sundback busied himself at his work bench. In December of the next year, Sundback coined the modern zipper. The invention got off to a rocky start, but when it was fashioned to open on both ends, consumers whole heartedly embraced it. Today the zipper can be found on many items. Luggage. Jackets. Bags. The most temptingly tight pair of blue jeans. Ian laughed, a deep musical sound that came from somewhere deep inside him, a component that had long been deprived. With that assurance the horror of the past three years slowly faded away, and he sighed as I held him closer. As his firm fingertips caressed every curve of my body, I thanked God for creating such a perfect being, Eve for biting that damn apple, and Sundback's wife for buying the farm.What do you think of this excerpt from my novel? Too racy for young adults?
Hey, 20-year-old lifetime writer here.





It's not bad. However, you have some issues. To start, what's with the random aside to explain the history of the zipper? If I'm to honestly believe your narrator is in love with this guy, she needs to be completely focused on HIM. If she's thinking about the invention of the zipper in the middle of foreplay, I don't believe she loves him or is incredibly physically attracted to him--I believe he's a sloppy lover and she's bored and her mind is wandering. Also, the line about Eve and the apple is incredibly confusing. What are you trying to say? It's not exactly clear.





Also, ';suddenly it was 1911'; startled me for a moment and I had to go back to your summaries to check if you'd mentioned anything about time travel. It's best to avoid lines like that.





All in all, not bad (and not too racy, I think the thing I wrote for English class one time was more pornographic). It's a little flowery (work on your voice; is there a reason she's this articulate and descriptive? Particularly during sex, which, if it's as intense as you're probably trying to convey, won't really include a whole lot of thinking. And, relating to the very strange bit about the zipper, is there a reason she would know this? Is she a history buff? A hopeful inventor? An insomniac who clicks random Wikipedia links and therefore has a lot of random, useless knowledge?) but in general it's well-written.





All the best, and good luck!What do you think of this excerpt from my novel? Too racy for young adults?
You have some serious talent. Good job!





Anyway, I would tone it down just a little. I started feeling iffy...
i don't think it's too racy, however i did get lost when you flashbacked to 1911. I loved the random ramblings about the invention of the zipper, but i hope this is a common trait of your character and not just a spontaneous one that appears just in this scene. Overall great work i hope to be reading your stuff soon. Oh and I'm not an english major or anything just someone who loves to read. In my opinion i wouldn't drop the part where you thank ';Eve for biting that damn apple';.I think the character is thankful for human beings not being perfect but being able to experience perfection. But i don't know if thats what you wanted to convey.
I must agree with Len. He hit the nail on the head. I can tell you are a great writer. But the switch in times threw me off, I had to stop reading. And when you started to speak about the invention of the zipper I thought is she serious. I'm sure you'll revise and do alot better.
All in all I quite enjoyed this paragraph. I especially liked the flow of the sentence 'A swirl of hands and lips, broken buttons, shattered clasps.'





The first part of the paragraph seemed to be better than the second. The switch between the present and the scene in 1911 was a little too sudden and I think you should maybe try easing into the flashback a little more to make it a little less confusing and sudden for the reader.





Other than that, the overall flow of the paragraph was very good and well-paced. I would like to read more.
Not too racy. . . more like too homely.


I'm sorry, but I stopped after you described the boy as beautiful. I kept reading, and I must say this: You do have talent. This is actually a very good piece of work, but I wouldn't read it. It's just not my style. But hey, I'm just one voice. There are more than a million people in this world, and I don't doubt the fact that many people will read this.





=)